I need to relax

So tired of flying and to be alone. I don't know what i need and what i want anymore. Where is my family? Where is my love? Where is my friends? Nothing.. Nothing at all!


Always, i follow my roster. Flying to and there. Follow the procedures. Seeing different aircrafts and people. Sometimes, upset and sometimes, ok. Sometimes, stress and sometimes, relax. Sigh.. Tired of it already. But, what should i do next if i resign? Should i get the better job? I don't think so. This job is the best ever. But, the life is suck. May be only me.. I don't know. May be i don't know how to make fun, how to enjoy and how to work.. Don't know.. But, everyday i try my best. That's what i know. I'm trying to good to people and i do what i suppose to do. I follow the procedures. But, tired. I don't have life. I don't have relax.


Just came back from Frankfurt this morning. Going to the office to get the exit permit. Tired and tired. Don't know what to do when i reach home. I was lost. Preparing for the next flight again. One flight is over and another flight is coming. Stress again for the next flight. Slept for a while. Woke up to see ma cynthia and to send money home. All i'm working is for my Family.. I feel like that. I bought some clothes and foods for me for my daily use. All i save and sending is for my family. I'm saving money to buy a car for my family coz they want it and they need it. I don't know my future. Where should i live. What should i do. Don't know. Always in my mind , i'm thinking to call my family members to visit me in doha or to send them somewhere else that i have been. I've been to so many countries. So, i want them to feel that and at least some few countries i want them to visit. 

Some stupidity minded is always in my head. I apologize God again and again and I did that again and again. I couldn't make up my mind to overcome it. That's what i hate and that's what i want. Crazy. You know why? because i'm alone and i'm lonely. I got to know that when i was with my friends and family, i forgot that. I was happy and always have something to do. When i'm alone, i started thinking about so many things. I don't know what to do alone in my lonely room. I don't know who to talk? What to do.


Just wake up! having a tooth pain. So painful that i can't sleep at all. My tounge is burning with blister. Painful again. It's really painful and not convineient at all when i talk or eat something. I feel like my hairs need to be washed. But, it will take time when i wash and i dont' have time. I'm afraid i will get cold when i wash it as well. Mensaration is not coming yet. Don't know when it will come. I can't wash my hairs when it's coming and i will be so tired and pale again when it comes. Stress for that too. Tomorrow i have Algeries flight. It's layover. So, it should be OK. Hopefully will fly with nice crew and passengers. 


My face is so ugly. So many pimples coming up. God, my Lord. Pls help me. I'm lost. I know that i'm not lost , but i'm other way lost. I can't wait to reach my 4 days off to meet with koeko and to relax. But again same roster, flying life and normal routine duties will follow after that again. It will come, but it will finish soon and my tiring life will come again. SIGH>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


Feel like wanna cry. But, don't know what to do. Anyone can help me to happy ? Even for a while is OK. Lord, You 're my God. I know that u won't leave me. Even i'm so sinful, i still love u and i'm yours. Please do whatever u want me to do . I"m ready to deny myself and my will and to follow you. Just remove all my human thinking minded and put all your plans and will inside me. Change my heart O Lord. Let me bless for you. And let me live only for you. I want to have meangingful life. But i don't know whether i'm meangingful or not.. Please forgive all my sins and lead me to your way Please. In Jesus Name I pray.. AMEN